Responding When Someone Has Experienced Sexual Violence

Ask her what she needs from you and respond accordingly. Let her know that you care and that you want to listen. She may just want you to listen, or she may not want to talk about it. Don't assume anything. Always ask her. Remember that you are not her counsellor. There are trained professionals who have experience working with sexual assault survivors. Do not promise to be there for her anytime unless you mean to go through with it. She needs honesty from you.

Believe her

Many people never tell anyone about sexual assault because they are afraid that they will not be believed. It took a lot of courage for of courage for her to share this with you. Let her know that you believe her. It is extremely rare for women to lie about sexual assault.

Let her know that she is not to blame

Work to break myths in your interaction. Reinforce that the violence was NOT her fault. NO ONE asks to be assaulted. The perpetrator is responsible for his violent behaviour, NOT the victim/survivor. Sexual violence represents the expression of power, control and/or hostility. It is a crime that has been committed against her.

Asking her questions like "why did you get into the car with him?" or telling her that she should not have had so much to drink, are not helpful because they will further cause her to blame herself for what happened. Instead, statements like, "You needed a ride. You were not asking to be assaulted," are non-blaming and show that you support her.

Validate her experience

Remind her that she is strong and courageous - it takes a lot of strength to survive sexual violence. Also, she may be experiencing any number of emotions. Validate what she is feeling and how she is responding/coping. Let her know that these are natural, given what she has experienced.

Respect her right to privacy

Let her decide whom she wants to tell. Do not repeat her story to anyone unless she asks you to. She needs to be in control of who knows about what happened.

Help her identify who in her immediate circle might also support her

Help her figure out whom, if anyone, among her friends and family she would feel comfortable telling this to.

Remember, she is the expert of her own life

A survivor of sexual violence must be given the space to reclaim some of her power and control. This means supporting her in whatever she decides (even if you would not make the same decisions). She is the best judge of what is best for her. Provide her with information and explore her options together, rather than telling her what you would do if you were in her situation. For example, you might know that the process would be too difficult and humiliating for her. Let her know that you will support her in whatever she thinks is best. Let her know that you will support her in whatever she thinks is best. In fact, avoid "should" statements altogether. If hearing about her experience upsets, angers or confuses you, you can call a crisis line to talk about your feelings, or find someone else to talk to - without betraying her trust. Helping someone who has been sexually assaulted can be quite overwhelming, so remember to find supports for yourself.

Encourage her to talk about it with someone she trusts

Lit her know that many women feel better after they talk to someone who has experience working with survivors of sexual assault and who would not judge.

Encourage her to get medical attention

She may have injuries that she is unaware of. She may want to press charges immediately or some time in the future, so it is very important to gather evidence (more evidence can be collected if she hasn't yet showered, urinated or cleaned herself and her clothes). There is also the risk of pregnancy and sexually transmitted diseases. She can come into the sexual Assault/Domestic Violence Care Centre at the Women's College site and we can give her information, support and/or medical attention.

Get Informed

Gather information about the issue of violence against women and children and make linkages with service agencies working in the area of anti-violence. This way, you can support clients and help them make informed decisions about the services/resources available to them.